Why Did I not just be me

When I applied for my current job I did so as the person on my ID book, my old self, my male self.

Why did I do that and not just be myself?

Well that is a very good question. But to truly understand it, one needs to be at that perticular time of my life.

I was reeling from the loss of most of my business, through covid and other factors. I needed to be employed, I did not want to risk not being considered because the truth is that I am still sure that some companies would rather avoid the issues in employing a transgender individual, than get someone really talented.

I thought to myself that if I could work hard and make myself unmissable, then I would come out.

I discounted my own mental state at the time, I was depressed, feeling like a failure and generally stuck in a cycle of self hate.

I remember when I got the job I was so happy, I then started the job and immediately threw myself into it whilst ignoring my mental health as I did so many times before.

And I met a group of diverse and interesting people whom I got to know, make a joke with and work with day to day. As each day passed it became harder and harder to actually come out and share my truth, not because of the people, but rather because of my own thought patterns and mental health that was steadily degrading.

But the truth is this role did afford me access to things like private medical care, that I did not have before. It might not cover some things I want, but it did allow me to get help for my own mental health at a time I was at breaking point, after throwing my all into work.

At that stage I was not even transitioning anymore and I was burning out and did not understand why.

I was lucky to find the right mental health professionals and I embarked on a new road of discovery of who I was.

It helped and I became happier and lived more. I could remain effective at work. I could fight on, but coming out at work was not something on my radar.

I got back onto HRT and thought let me give this one more shot. I have worked hard on myself and finally got to the point where I needed to be 100% authentic in my life.

And here I am, writing this to explain to answer the question that I think I might get. So let's see if I do get it.