How I knew....

Looking at this photo, it's kind of weird. I think I remember the day, even though it is a little obscured by the moments that came after it.

I remember being there, posing for a photo and yet I also remember from that time what I felt, how some things did not make sense, how I felt not part of groups of people, like someone looking in from the outside.

To be honest I don't know if I felt that way that day, the large amounts of data imparted in the form of memories have blurred a lot of my recollection of my younger days. Maybe it's a sign of a full storage device, maybe I chose to forget certain things or I just plain don't remember.

People when meeting me or learning my truth always tend to ask, "How did you know?" or "When did you decide?"

Both are sometimes loaded questions for me. The truth is I did not chose this and frankly I do not think anyone would if it was as simple as a choice. The other truth is for a long time I did not "Know".

I was born in 1980 and as such I was pre-pretty-much-everything. When I was small I would say I was raised for a while in a middle class Afrikaans house. Some of my earliest memories are filled with feelings of uncertainty, a feeling of not quite fitting in. I could not really put my finger on it, I just did not fit the mold of son or boy.

When the obvious gender stereotypes of boys and girls became clear to me, I also made a couple of other sterotypes that were prevalent in my social setting. The first was the nail that stands out, gets hammered. The other was the hushed whispers of family about the members of my own family that were lesbian. Well not it was an out fact or anything but the talk found my ears.

I inately knew that I also don't fit, but I could fit, I could pretend it and then I would be left alone.

So I did what was expected of me. I tried to excel at school and for a long time I did that easily. Other boys were doing sport so I also took it up, determined to be the best in at least one. I was expected to hang out with the boys and my male cousins and I did and have fond memories of those times, even though most of them do not even acknowledge my existence anymore.

And even though I felt alone on the inside, I became something else to the outside world and kept on trying to excel. Not all of it was bad. There has been some highlights there. I had joyious moments in my life and I fit in, had a girlfriend, did the "sokkie", hyper-focussed on cricket and pushed academically.

As I got closer to finishing high school, I knew deep down that this existence was not sustainable and yet I pushed on, because always deep in the back of my mind was that voice saying, "This is not right, it's a sin, people will hate you and reject you." I thought I was the only person who was like me. Maybe some sort of price I would have to pay for getting these gifts from God.

It was not until I left school and got my own internet with my third job and my first after school. With my inquisitive mind I reached out to people in chat rooms and marvelled at the sheer size of the internet. At the time transgender people were refered to with very offensive terms and yet these where the only terms I knew and thus it led me down a dark rabbit hole on the web.

I was lucky enough to get to the right terms early enough. Here were other people that seemed to be like me, "I was not alone" I thought to myself. I read up and researched it as much as I could.

At that time I remember thinking, "This could be what is going on with me, but everyone like me is overseas, I don't think anyone in SA is transgender."

And thus the fight within myself continued. For the outside world, it was business as usual. I moved away from my hometown to a new small town and had a fresh start, perfect time to be myself right? Trading one small Afrikaans town for another while trying to determine your own truth only causes you to reinvent your mask, which I did.

Within 5 years I made a bunch of new friends, became the life of the party, the jester, fell in love, started a business, got married, fought to keep my business going and through multiple periods of introspection and getting close to admit it, I suddenly was 33 years old.

Then the thought process shifted, I knew I was transgender without a doubt, but now I was afraid of losing my wife, who I did not believe would be able to move past this and that it would mean the end of our marriage. I did not know how I would run my business in a small town and be transgender and go through transition. Frankly I also thought I was to old to start.

For two years I agonized about this and try to fight it for the sake of my life. But the dam wall burst two years later, after speaking to dozens of transgender people not overseas, not in our country, but less than two hours from where I lived.

At that stage I opened up to a friend and had the moment of where there is no going back, I said it out loud.

Soon after I needed to tell my wife and the other people close to me.

Now the decade that came after involved visits to health professionals, both physical and mental, many deep conversations, many tough situations financially and socially and losing some people in my life who just could not accept my truth.

My wife stayed, I did close my business in terms of it is not my primary work I do, most of my friends stayed, I had a couple of stop starts in treatment, I was not healed but I came out on the other side.

I started work in a new organization as the male me and I am still there and in most cases you, the reader might be from that organization. You might be reading this because you do not understand what is going on and want some clarity.

Well here I hope to explain some of it to you all and have some sort of a record of where I am right now.

So I think to go full circle, I never chose this and as for when I knew, well I think I actually knew but did not know it was this.....